Crappy Dog Owner

One dog trying to hump another dog is nothing unusual, happens every hour of every day all over the world. My dog, of course, can't get it right, and since he doesn't have any real experience to draw from he's a little confused. This isn't something that you can teach a dog, you can't back one dog up, then push the other one forward and orchestrate with a milk-bone in each hand, once you bring food into the picture they lose all interest in humping.

So in one corner I have a 2 year old 120 pound male German Shepherd, big dog, thick dog, everything you would want in the breed and he's fully functional and equipped, the wife wanted to get him "fixed" but I didn't think he was "broken" so he still has all his parts and his big "baritone" bark, scares the hell out of all of the delivery people.

In the other corner I have a 15 year old 30 pound Beagle/Bassett that is "fixed" because she was "broken", she's a funny looking thing, big knot on her head, bowed legs that are impossibly crooked, missing teeth, she's my zombie dog.

The problem is this, and really it's not a problem so much, it's just that when I see it, I yell at him to stop it, because it's just silly, the big dog sees the little dog and then the big dog "air humps" his way towards the little dog, "red rocket" then presents itself in all it's glory and starts whacking away at that big knot on her head, that's it, he never gets it right, not once. The little dog is just standing around minding her own business and then "bam" it's a "Canine 69", one dog completely fits under the other and then it just deteriorates into a big barking mess.

I don't have any experience in training a dog on reproduction or relief thereof, but I would wager that there is a way, I bet I could search for guidance, instructions, video's, podcasts, blogs, someone, somewhere does have an answer. Or I could mess with my Vet and ask her to provide "relief", they do that you know, or am I a "crappy dog owner" if I don't ask her to help out? Is there a subtle catchphrase I can use? "I'd like an order of Dog Jerky", "Can you donate to Rover Relief"?, "Can you walk Sparky for me"? She wasn't real happy when I asked for an "anal expression" I wonder how she'll take this request.